| 12.27.14 |
There was pretty much nothing that could have prepared me for this day. Grandma Susan, Poppa Eric, Nanna Jen, Daddy Jake & Myself all walked into the ultrasound spa place, signed in and waited to be called back. The couple before us emerged from the room and were gushing over their new found information that they were expecting a Girl! following them was the Ultrasound tech. "Looks like we're on a Girl streak today" she said smiling. In that moment i knew deep down exactly what you would be. I didn't want to listen to that little inner voice but i knew. Right before we all went into the comfy ultrasound room i hit the bathroom. As i was in there washing my hands i talked to God and sighed. Ok God i know you won't give me more than i can handle and i'll get exactly what i need. Everyone was buzzing with excitement ushering me into the room, so ready to just know already.
I hopped up on the kushy loungey chair thing and the UT squirted the gel on my tummy. Away she went with the wand, before i could blink there you were up on the flat screen on the wall. Around 5-8 seconds later we all see what could only be a little bum in the air, legs to one side & none other that a little wiener. The UT chuckled and said well there you have your gender! It's definitely a BOY!
In that exact moment i felt things i never thought i would when finding out my babys gender. I won't even try and tell you they were all good either. Remember that conversation i had earlier with God? well when the UT said BOY deep down i felt him tug on my heart and say He is what you need, You'll get your girl just not now. I was numb. I didn't want to feel joy in that moment i was just mad. I tried to hold it together for everyone else in the room because unless they were happy tears i wasn't supposed to have them. i felt slighted, terrified, & frankly i grieved for the little girl that i didn't have in my belly. Judge me, say I'm horrible say whatever you wish but it's not something i was prepared for either. I grew angry at myself for not being thankful. THIS baby BOY was a miracle, gift from God He chose ME to be this little boys Mama. How could i be so selfish? it's not like there was NO chance of having a boy..
Then as sudden as the wave of emotions hit me only seconds before, The Lord grabbed my heart not exactly him per say but he used the baby on the screen. My baby Boy out of what seemed like a scene from a movie that little boy turned, stopped wiggling around & WAVED..
In that moment a whole new sensation washed over me. LOVE.. a love i had never felt before & never thought i was even capable of. Again the Lord tugged and said "HE is the one YOU need right now." At that point the flood gates broke & I wept this time with the happy tears that were absent before. I was going to have a SON. & for some reason he already LOVED me. It will always be one of the most powerful moments in my life... it's amazing the impact a little wave can have, not only on the emotions but on the heart.
-- looking back at this post I have to say that while I hadn't planned for a boy (now two of them) I wouldn't trade them for anything. The love my boys have for me is so unlike anything I've ever experienced. Hunter (yeah we didn't end up sticking with Luke lol) will come up to me randomly and give me hugs and he grabs my cheeks in his little pudgey hands and smooches me on my lips. He challenges me and drives me crazy but his love is fierce. God knew that i needed him much more than he needed me.