I didn't initially like you & it killed me...

June 12, 2017

Now let me say that without a doubt i loved you, that wasn't up for question. You had grown within me after all. We had shared the most intimate of spaces and then you were here. 100% dependant on me. Your daddy was working long hard hours and he needed his sleep we said. 

 

 

I dreaded the night. Every fiber of my being wished for more daylight so I wouldn't be alone with you. The only one to deal with your incessant and never ending cries.(or so it felt like) 

 

 

With Hunter I was incredibly blessed to never experience being sleep deprived. His birth was hell but he was the easiest baby ever. & because of this I was not prepared for what came with you. 

 

Night after night it was just you and me awake lots of tears were shed, some nights it took everything i had to make myself get up and feed you... & the guilt i felt from that was all consuming. Here i am holding my miracle and all i wanted to do was scream. 

For weeks i did the bare minimum and handed him to anyone i could so i could get a break. Finally at nearly 8 weeks i admitted to myself and Jake that i loved him but i also kinda hated him. My hormones were raging, i felt okay physically but just desperately just wanted to feel like myself again... & i just wanted to enjoy my baby. 

 

We had tried everything. He wouldn't sleep. He hated laying on his back. He hated everything i tried. One night we set up the rock n play and he slept a little more than usual.. And little bit more the night after that. Slowly i felt the life coming back to me and I begun to have hope that I would hopefully begin bonding with him soon. That maybe I wasn't a complete failure as a mother and i could do this. This two under two insanity. 

Around 2 months things started to even out. Hunter seemed to resent me less and Wyatt begun to get easier and sleep more I in turn felt like i was coming back to life.  Then one day nothing really substantial happened but our eyes met but in that moment i finally felt all the things i wanted to feel for all those weeks. I not only loved this little boy but i was enjoying him now too. 

 

 

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If you are newly postpartum and struggling to connect to your baby, please know you aren't alone. There is nothing wrong with you. You aren't broken & you ARE still a good mother. This tough phase will pass and before you know it you'll look back on this as something that made you stronger. & best part of all? Your baby loves you no matter what & they won't remember any of this. Do what a sweet friend told me and give yourself grace mama. You JUST had a baby. & this will pass, the bond will come. 

 

 

 

xoxo, Becca 

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Becca here, I don't have it all together. but I love doing life with my people!

Hang out with me as I take on being a girly girl in a boys world! It's messy but so full of love.

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