Now let me say that without a doubt i loved you, that wasn't up for question. You had grown within me after all. We had shared the most intimate of spaces and then you were here. 100% dependant on me. Your daddy was working long hard hours and he needed his sleep we said.
I dreaded the night. Every fiber of my being wished for more daylight so I wouldn't be alone with you. The only one to deal with your incessant and never ending cries.(or so it felt like)
With Hunter I was incredibly blessed to never experience being sleep deprived. His birth was hell but he was the easiest baby ever. & because of this I was not prepared for what came with you.
Night after night it was just you and me awake lots of tears were shed, some nights it took everything i had to make myself get up and feed you... & the guilt i felt from that was all consuming. Here i am holding my miracle and all i wanted to do was scream.
For weeks i did the bare minimum and handed him to anyone i could so i could get a break. Finally at nearly 8 weeks i admitted to myself and Jake that i loved him but i also kinda hated him. My hormones were raging, i felt okay physically but just desperately just wanted to feel like myself again... & i just wanted to enjoy my baby.
We had tried everything. He wouldn't sleep. He hated laying on his back. He hated everything i tried. One night we set up the rock n play and he slept a little more than usual.. And little bit more the night after that. Slowly i felt the life coming back to me and I begun to have hope that I would hopefully begin bonding with him soon. That maybe I wasn't a complete failure as a mother and i could do this. This two under two insanity.
Around 2 months things started to even out. Hunter seemed to resent me less and Wyatt begun to get easier and sleep more I in turn felt like i was coming back to life. Then one day nothing really substantial happened but our eyes met but in that moment i finally felt all the things i wanted to feel for all those weeks. I not only loved this little boy but i was enjoying him now too.
If you are newly postpartum and struggling to connect to your baby, please know you aren't alone. There is nothing wrong with you. You aren't broken & you ARE still a good mother. This tough phase will pass and before you know it you'll look back on this as something that made you stronger. & best part of all? Your baby loves you no matter what & they won't remember any of this. Do what a sweet friend told me and give yourself grace mama. You JUST had a baby. & this will pass, the bond will come.